Kim Reeds is a Commie-
WASHINGTON D.C. --- Former spies for the now defunct Soviet Union on trial for
espionage in the United States today revealed that US Citizen Kimberly Reeds
is a devout communist. The unnamed traitors divulged the details under oath.
Among the shocking revelations is that Reeds plans to implement communism
in the event that she is elected member at large. Reeds is currently
running for student office at suburban Aloha High School in Aloha, OR. The
unsuspecting students on the verge of election day were notified of this new
information immediately. However, it has been reported that Reeds refused
to withdraw her candidacy and has resorted to blatant threats and rigging
ballots to gain votes. This was the same tactic Reeds used to obtain the
Homecoming Queen crown, according to the spies.
The Federal Bureau of
Investigation has been called in to look into the matter. It is expected
that Reeds will be apprehended within the week. In the meantime, the small
town of Aloha has been in a state of chaos. Fortunately, Reeds' fellow
member at large candidates, Brad Fitzpatrick and Nick Robertson, have stepped
in to manage the unruly crowds. The duo, favored to win the elections, are
solely responsible for maintaining order in the face of anarchy. This, in
addition to last week's discovery that another member at large candidate,
Molly Hancock, was a satanic worshipper and Ku Klux Klansman, has struck a
tremendous blow to high school students everywhere. The comment of one
shocked Aloha student summed up the views of virtually all the voters, "Brad
and Nick are our only hope."
Wischer uncovered in Alien Plot -
ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO --- Member at Large Krista Wischer has been linked to an alien plot to dominate
the world and to make all the humans their slaves and food! When asked about
this, Grand High Master Zorg responded with "No comment" and promptly ate
the reporter. When asked to comment on this, Krista Wischer did the same!
Luckily, they were both rookie reporters. An inside source, which we shall
call Agent Zarchon Smith, has informed us about the connection between the
two. According to him, "Zorg contacted Wischer early in the year and asked
her to run for Member at Large." With Wischer as Member at Large, Zorg could
then finally take over the world. When the medical records of Wischer were
closely examined, they were found to be an exact replica of Barbara Bush's.
No doctor has actually ever treated or even seen Wischer at a hospital.
However, Wischer has been seen going into a bank that is a known front for
an alien hospital.
Molly Hamcock is a Klansman-
ALOHA, OREGON --- Students at Aloha High School in Aloha, OR were shocked today to
discover that a member of the school was under investigation for illegal
conduct as a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Molly Hamcock, a junior running for
Member at large, is under surveillance by FBI and Portland Police while
reports of her participation in a recent cross burning are being
investigated. Hamcock vehemently denies involvement in the KKK despite her
possession of the robe and hood, which she claims are for use "...in a social
studies project at school." A spokesperson for the police department stated,
"We are 99.9% sure that Hamcock is the mastermind behind the surge in church
burnings and hate crimes we have experienced these last few months." It has
been rumored that Hamcock was kicked out of the Klan for being too "ditzy,"
according to a Klansman who preferred to remain unidentified. The unnamed
source told reporters for the Herald that Hamcock "...accidentally set her
clothes on fire in an attempt to light the cross and woke the neighborhood
with her high-pitched screaming. We almost couldn't get away."
Hamcock had no comment on these allegations. Response from students at Aloha High School
has been overwhelming, however. Most expressed that they had always been
disgusted at Hamcock and were glad to see her receive her due. Those who
sided with Hamcock mysteriously disappeared from school and could not be
located for quoting. One student stated, "All of us were gonna vote for Brad
and Nick anyway." Election favorites Brad Fitzpatrick and Nick Robertson
were instrumental in helping to restore order to the community following the
disruption caused by the Hamcock investigation. Staff and students alike at
Aloha agree, "Brad and Nick are the only safe way to go. No one else could
do the job."
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